Helping Children to Deal With Divorce

During the process of divorce, children are anxious about their own security. They are not so much concerned with their parents' happiness as knowing that they will be protected and cared for. Parents must focus on their child's feelings and needs, even while in the midst of their own anger and discomfort.

Divorce is the termination of the family unit and so it is often characterized by painful losses. Age-appropriate explanation and counseling is important so that children realize that they are not the cause of, and cannot be the cure for, the divorce.

Any sign of vulnerability in the child regarding the process of separation and divorce should be addressed. Often the child's needs are increased just as the parents' are at an emotional disadvantage and unable to attend to the needs of their children. Common reactions of children include poor school performance, behavioral difficulties, and social withdrawal. Sadness is typical, and depression is fairly common.

Children frequently have psychosomatic symptoms as a response to anger, loss, grief, feeling unloved, and other stressors. They may try to play one parent against the other because they need to feel in control. They may test rules and limits. At the same time, they are likely to feel guilty and responsible for the separation and they may agonize over their divided loyalties.

Divorce and separation may well be the best solution to a discordant marriage, and any decrease in intrafamily hostility is constructive. Given that, the divorce process is a long drawn-out experience that begins with the initial marital disagreements, and often continues for many years after the legal issues are finalized. Certain situations will lead to better outcomes. These include such factors as positive temperament in the child, an optimistic view of the future, consistent discipline by the parents, and continued warmth among family members.

Routines of school, extracurricular activities, contact with family and friends, discipline and responsibilities should remain as normal as possible. Children should be given permission for their feelings and opportunities to express them. They must understand that they did not cause the divorce and cannot bring the parents back together. If possible, they should be told that each parent will continue to love and care for them.

My role is always as the child's advocate, trying to maintain a positive relationship with both parents, rather than taking sides. I offer support and age-appropriate advice to the child and parents regarding reactions to divorce, especially guilt, anger, sadness, and perceived loss of love.

All arrangements should be planned with the child's best interests in mind. Parents know better than anyone else their children's needs after divorce, and their knowledge of their own children makes them much more qualified than outsiders, including those in the legal system, to develop a good plan. Despite lingering hostilities, parents must avoid conversations consisting of "attack and defend". These are conversations with no possibilities that do not lead to a peaceful future. They simply keep the parents stuck in vicious cycles of competition and confrontation.

Although many children have long-lasting adjustment problems associated with their parents' divorce, those who continue to have secure emotional attachments to nurturing caregivers, and who receive professional counseling, are likely to function well over time.

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