Children are really aware of adult communication. From the time that they are very young, they can tell when adults are preoccupied, distracted or not listening. Children, like adults, tune out when they don't like the tone, lecturing, or lack of listening in a conversation. If they think that their part of the conversation is being ignored or rejected, they become angry or lose interest. Do you know how you come across to your child? What is it like to talk to you? Are you encouraging or discouraging? Are you patient or impatient? Does the expression on your face show interest and respect, or a lack of interest and indifference? Most of us have no idea how we really come across to our children.

Most people listen with the intention of replying. We generally listen at one of four different levels:

1. Not listening. We ignore what is being said and don't even make an effort to understand.
2. Pretending to listen. We may nod from time to time and even tune in when something interests us, but generally we hear very little.
3. Selective listening. We pay attention to only those things that we agree with or that support our positions and beliefs.
4. Attentive listening. We focus on the words and compare it to our own experiences, but pay little attention to the meaning.

Effective listening to your child requires listening on an entirely different level. It is listening with empathy, listening with the intention to understand, listening for meaning. It involves trying to understand what the child is saying from his or her perspective, rather than filtering it through your own experiences. It is related to the concept of "seeing through the eyes of a child." To be an effective listener requires personal integrity, skill and commitment. The listener must give up trying to evaluate or to judge, or to be planning a reply while the child is speaking.

Positive communication requires that you listen empathetically and then indicate that you hear what the child is saying. Your empathy can be demonstrated to your child by focus (eye contact), body language, and reflective listening.

• Focus (eye contact) - Focus means that you are looking directly as your child is speaking, and not looking off to one side or continuing to do something else. Face the child squarely with your body. Stop what you are doing. You are focused on what is being said; your child is the center of attention.
• Listening without interrupting - Does your body language acknowledge that you are listening? Use smiles, nods, and expressions of understanding to communicate to your child that you are listening. It is not necessary that you agree or disagree at this time. It is more important that your child knows that his or her words are respected.
• Reflective listening - Reflective listening involves hearing the feelings and meanings of your child. It is a re-statement (in different words) of what the child said. You, in essence, mirror the words of your child and rephrase them back, checking for accuracy of understanding. This process affirms the child, indicates a respect of the child, and shows that you understand the child's message.

You must choose, consciously choose, to listen, to be emotionally present. There are too many distractions, too many problems to be solved, too many worries, too many issues that are much more important and compelling than anything that a child is likely to say. You must consciously lay those matters aside and take charge of where your mind is focused.

Listen to your child the way that you would like to be listened to: with honesty, integrity, respect, and fairness. This is ultimately about listening to your own needs for inner peace, compassion, love and kindness, for finding purpose in your own life and making a positive difference in the world.

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