Do you have a sense of self-worth? Do you feel good about yourself? If you do not value yourself, this will be transmitted to your children. Now is the time to improve your own self-confidence. Most likely, your feelings about yourself are the result of the way that your parents raised you. Your parents did the best that they could, considering the prevailing values and attitudes at that time. Many parents of previous generations were intimidated by “experts”, often at the expense of their natural abilities to be loving and nurturing. This thwarting of parental instincts can lead to depression and anxiety, which then can be passed through generations. Were your parents content? Did they actually look at you and listen to you? Did they help you to feel special and important? Did you get the idea from your parents that you were fun to be with? Or, did they tune out or become critical of you, thus missing an opportunity to nurture your capabilities as you moved through childhood?

If you suffer from low self-confidence, especially if you feel that this is a result of how your parents related to you, you might well find feelings of anger and resentment being stirred up toward your parents. Although it is helpful to recognize certain issues as having been detrimental to your development, it is in your best interest to remain calm and objective in facing these realizations.

The most important thing that you can do, for the sake of your children, is to heal yourself and break the pattern that has been repeated through generations. Allow yourself to enjoy your children, listen attentively, value their uniqueness, and let them happily just be themselves. Transmit your values in a loving, generous way, and they will take on the attitudes that will lead to a productive adulthood.

I see many children who take on the attitudes of poor self worth, negativism, or even illness, in order to gain the attention that they crave. One child’s perpetual school behavioral problems and another child’s chronic abdominal pain, while seemingly unrelated, can be different manifestations of poor self-esteem. Both problems can be alleviated by a nurturing environment where a child’s strengths are recognized and acknowledged, by parents who themselves feel worthy of love and attention. The one thing that your child excels in his being himself or herself. As the sign in my reception area says, “Be yourself...Who else is better qualified?” Were you encouraged to be yourself, or, to become the child that your parents or society expected? And what of your own children?

Encouraging your child’s self-esteem by no means calls for constant praise and compliments. In fact, undeserved praise is actually a manifestation of lack of integrity and a form of dishonest communication. Responding to your child’s needs consistently and thoughtfully is the basis for building self-esteem, and creating confidence in meeting life’s challenges.

If, after careful consideration of some of these issues, you feel that your past and your upbringing have been detrimental to your ability to be the totally effective and loving parent that your children deserve, this can be an excellent opportunity to decide which path to take from here on. With or without the help of therapy, depending on your needs, you can resolve to be the person and the parent who is satisfied with oneself, lives a life of good deeds, makes a contribution to society, and in any small way, creates a better world for the next generation. 

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